More information on Emotional Abuse

[Crystal]

Emotional Abuse

Any type of harm, intimidation or distress caused by verbal or psychological torment characterises emotional abuse. If an individual is being emotionally abused it can be often be difficult for others to identify, as there is no physical evidence and people around the victim are unable to see the emotional scars. Due to this, the torment can continue for many years as unlike physical abuse, the scars go unrecognised. The abuser may repeat their actions in order to maintain control over an individual and frightens them into keeping quiet about the torture.

Emotional abuse can include constant yelling, screaming, threats, degrading insults, humiliation, manipulation, neglect, harassment, sarcasm, domination or control, withdrawal of any affection, being ignored for a period of time and isolating the victim from friends and family.

This type of abuse can seriously effect the development of an individual especially if it occurs during childhood. There are some common signs that are listed below but unless the sufferer confides in someone about their experiences, the abuse is likely to go unnoticed.

Signs of Emotional Abuse:

Sudden noticeable changes in an individuals behaviour
Depression or Anxiety
Changes in appetite
Loss of interest in activities and social gatherings
Appearing scared, jumpy or agitated
Sleep deprivation or insomnia
Lower self-esteem and self-confidence
Nervous in the company of a particular individual

Causes:

There is not one known reason as to what causes some individuals to emotionally abuse another individual. There are however some common factors that are thought to influence its development among certain individuals. The most common factor is that the abuser has suffered from some sort of abuse themselves, usually as a child. They are therefore repeating these actions and may be less aware that this is an inappropriate way to express their feelings. It is also common for individuals who become abusers to find it difficult to handle their anger and insecurities. Due to this they blame their problems on others instead of dealing with them.

Effects:

Emotional abuse can severely damage a person's confidence and self-esteem even to the state that the sufferer feels worthless, finding it hard to generate relationships.

Effects can include:
Anxiety or Depression
Eating disorders
Isolation and withdrawal from others
Low self-esteem and confidence
Children may run away from home
Aggressive behaviour
Drug or alcohol abuse
Insomnia
Suicidal thoughts or attempts

Medical Help and Treatment:

Emotional abuse can be extremely damaging and it's important for the sufferer to seek help and support. It is often helpful for victims of emotional abuse to see a counsellor or therapist in order to regain their confidence and self-esteem. There are a variety of help sources available for sufferers of emotional abuse, however the individual must take the first step by willing to discuss their experience.

Source: http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/mental.html Delete Comment

[mbkind]

Another good source of professionals is this: Help Horizons (http://www.helphorizons.com/counselor/members.htm)

[JoeinTX]

Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

A man who had to deal with abuse issues in his own life (and who has started a message board for abused men) looked into the issue of how a man can know if his relationship is abusive. He found two books that focus on women in abusive relationships, but none for men. He has extracted and edited sections from these books, to make them relevant for men.

A message board for battered men ...
If you're a man who's been battered by your female partner, this is a place to come for support. The only rule I'm absolutely firm on is that anyone abusing others here will be booted. Other than that, any areas of discussion are open. -- anpwhotep

Here are some ideas drawn from It's Not OK Anymore, by Greg Enns and Jan Black (order on-line). The man who operates the message board says it's a good guide to helping you decide for yourself whether you are being abused (or have been abused), and helps in guiding you through the steps you need to take to escape your abuser, and once you've escaped, change your own life so you don't go back, or get involved with another person who's like the person you left.

Some things that are worth thinking about when you're wondering "Was I abused?" include:

*Did she embarass or humiliate you in front of other people, including your friends or family?
*Did she insist that anything you wanted for yourself was selfish and/or wrong?
*Did she withhold affection to "punish" you for any violations of her rules?
*Did she intimidate you in any way?
*Did she threaten you, or threaten to harm herself or anyone else, if/when you left?
*Did she force you to ask her for money, or take your money away from you? Did she have control of the family finances, so you didn't even know what or when money was being spent?
*Did she prevent you from taking a job you wanted, or going to school? Did she force you, either directly or through manipulation, to quit a job you had?
*Did she make jokes about her treatment of you, insist that she never did anything to hurt you, or blame you for her behavior?
*Did she treat you as if you were her servant?
*Did she ever make you do things you felt were wrong or illegal?
*Did she ever belittle your beliefs, or tell you that your faith is wrong?
*Did she make you leave social gatherings, or restrict your contact with your friends or family?
*Did she make you feel afraid, or like you needed to be "careful" around her?
*Did she make you feel guilty or ashamed about yourself, your feelings, your beliefs, or anything else that makes you a unique individual?

Any one of these is a sign of abuse. Only you can decide how many it takes to add up to proof that you were abused.

Source: http://www.batteredmen.com/batabuse.htm

[Cecilia]

Emotional Abuse

When most people think of domestic violence, emotional abuse doesn't often come to mind. They visualize bruises and broken bones, not the emotional scars that are often hidden by the victim.

Mental and verbal abuse slowly tears down a woman's self esteem until there's little left of the vibrant person she used to be. After years of being worn down by constant criticism, she may fear leaving or getting a divorce because she doesn't feel like she can make it on her own. The following article can help you to understand the effects of emotional abuse and how it is inflicted.

1. "Sticks and stones won’t break my bones” – and words won’t leave any measurable physical damage, but they will cause progressive, long-term harm. Never underestimate the power of words: words are used to brainwash.

Being told you are “stupid”, “ugly”, “lazy” or “worthless” is never acceptable. The first times you hear it, it will hurt, naturally. In time you “may get used to” hearing it from a partner. That’s when you start to internalize and believe it. When that happens you are doing the other person’s work of putting you down for them. This is why your feelings of self-worth suffer increasingly over time.

The good news is that just as words have been used to bring you down, you can learn to harness the power of words to build you up and restore your confidence and belief in yourself.

2. You are always told that it’s your fault. Somehow, whatever happens, however it starts, the ultimate blame is always yours. Notice that we are talking ultimate blame here. The blaming partner will always tell you that their behavior was caused by what you said or did. In fact, their argument runs along the lines that you can’t possibly blame them for anything, because if you hadn’t said what you said, or done what you did it would never have happened.

3. You’re more inclined to believe your partner than you are to believe yourself. Have you ever reeled with a sense of hurt and injustice, or seethed with anger at the way you’ve been treated? Have you found yourself asking: “Is it reasonable to feel like this?” “Am I misinterpreting things?” “Have I got it wrong?”

If this is you, what it means is that you have become so brainwashed you’ve stopped trusting in your own judgment. Your mind keeps throwing up the observations and questions because, deep down, you know that what is happening is utterly wrong. But right now you can’t feel the strength of your own convictions.

4. You need your partner to acknowledge your feelings. Have you ever felt desperate to make your partner hear what you are saying and apologize for the hurtful things they’ve said? Have you ever felt that only they can heal the pain they’ve caused?

Does your need for them to validate your feelings keep you hooked into the relationship?

When a partner constantly denies or refuses to listen to your feelings, that is, unquestionably, mental abuse.

5. Your partner blows hot and cold. He can be very loving but is often highly critical of you. He may tell you how much he loves you, yet he is short on care or consideration towards you. In fact, some of the time, maybe even a lot of the time, he treats you as if you were someone he truly dislikes.

You do everything you can to make him happy, but it’s never good enough. You’re more like the pet dog in the relationship than you are the equal partner. Your constant efforts to get his attention and please him meet with limited success. Sometimes he’ll be charmed, often he’s dismissive.

If you find yourself puzzling about how your partner can treat you that way, it is because you are trying to live in a love-based relationship, when in reality you are living in a control-based relationship. The mental abuser struggles with his own feelings of worthlessness and uses his relationship to create a feeling of personal power, at his partner’s expense.

6. You feel as if you are constantly walking on eggshells. There is a real degree of fear in the relationship. You have come to dread his outbursts, the hurtful things that he will find to say to you. (Maybe the same anxiety and need to please spill over into your other relationships also.)

Fear is not part of a loving relationship, but it is a vital part of a mentally abusive relationship. It enables the abuser to maintain control over you.

7. You can heal. Mentally abusive relationships cause enormous emotional damage to the loving partner who tries, against all odds, to hold the relationship together and, ultimately, can’t do it, because her partner is working against her.

Whether you are currently in a mentally abusive relationship, have left one recently, or years later are still struggling with the anxieties and low self-worth and lack of confidence caused by emotional abuse, it is never too late to heal.

But you do need to work with a person or a program specifically geared to mental abuse recovery.

Women who have suffered mental abuse expect radical change of themselves, and they expect it right away. This is why they often struggle and, not uncommonly, take up with another abusive partner.

Mental abuse recovery is a gradual process. Low self-worth and limiting beliefs about what kind of future the abuse sufferer can ever hope for are the blocks that can stop women from moving on. But they are blocks that you can clear very effectively. Just as language was once used to harm you, you can now learn how language can heal you. You can overcome past emotional abuse and keep yourself safe from it in the future. You can also learn to feel strong, believe in yourself and create the life and the relationships you truly want.

Source: http://www.womansdivorce.com/emotional-abuse.html

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(C) 2005 Annie Kaszina - An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie specializes in helping women heal the trauma of the past, so they can enjoy the present and look forward to the future. To find out more, please visit Annie's website at Emotional Abuse Recovery NOW
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[Seamus67]

Women Can Be Emotionally Abusive also.I work in Law Enforcement and my wife treats me like I am a criminal or a prisoner.She is the nicest girl you will ever meet and treats everyone so kind thats why I married her.The problem is,that if I disagree with her I recieve 2-3 days of insults ,humiliation and threats to take my children away or threats to call 911 on me and basically making me homeless without my children. I love my kids more than life.She has little by little,stripped away my self.I do not know what to do , if I stand up for myself I end up without my children in a rooming house broke possibly Unemployable.Things go her way or no way.How can you come out of a situation like this.When she was younger, she was previously in an abusive marriage.Now Im paying dearly and my kids may be next.

[Mariana]

Hello Seamus,

Yes, this is true. That's why we have created a group called Abused Men. People can be equally abused, be them male or female, and regardless of their age too. Children, teens, adults, and elderly people as well.

We can be abused at home, at school, at work, in our social circles, out there in the community. Thanks a lot for your comment.

Seamus68 said:

Women Can Be Emotionally Abusive also.I work in Law Enforcement and my wife treats me like I am a criminal or a prisoner.She is the nicest girl you will ever meet and treats everyone so kind thats why I married her.The problem is,that if I disagree with her I recieve 2-3 days of insults ,humiliation and threats to take my children away or threats to call 911 on me and basically making me homeliss without my children whom I love more than life.She has little by little,stripped away my self.I do not know what to do , if I stand up for myself I end up without my children in a rooming hose broke possibly Unemployable.Things go her way or no way.How can you come out of a situation like this.When she was younger, she was previously in an abusive marriage.Now Im paying dearly and my kids may be next.

[pjay]

wow seamus, this sounds so close to my situation. my wife also is the sweetest person you can know. no one can ever believe that we used to 'lock horns' & fight the way we used to.

but i would get the same threats, insults, & demoralizing remarks over & over again. there just was no way i could disagree with her about anything. this is one place you can begin to find the answers you need. thanks for posting !

Seamus66 said:

Women Can Be Emotionally Abusive also.I work in Law Enforcement and my wife treats me like I am a criminal or a prisoner.She is the nicest girl you will ever meet and treats everyone so kind thats why I married her.The problem is,that if I disagree with her I recieve 2-3 days of insults ,humiliation and threats to take my children away or threats to call 911 on me and basically making me homeless without my children. I love my kids more than life.She has little by little,stripped away my self.I do not know what to do , if I stand up for myself I end up without my children in a rooming house broke possibly Unemployable.Things go her way or no way.How can you come out of a situation like this.When she was younger, she was previously in an abusive marriage.Now Im paying dearly and my kids may be next.

[Mariana]

I found a very good article about this. It's called: Psychological effects of partner abuse against men: A neglected research area

You may download the pdf version from this post or go to: http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/dom/hines01.htm