Emotional Abuse (why people stay)

[Lola]

What is Emotional Abuse?

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.


Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value.

Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.


Emotional R ape

Emotional r ape can be defined as: Emotional abuse characterized by patterned and purposeful behavior which purpose is to undermine and control the victim.

It is an attack on the victim's personality rather than their body.

The term "emotional r ape" implies a horrific crime, and that is exactly what the victim is going through. Experts agree that emotional r ape is far more complex than verbal abuse.

Emotional r ape is, quite simply, a systematic destruction of someone's personality.


Awareness is the first line of defense for many hazards. For this reason, it is important that people become more educated about issues of psychological and emotional abuse.

There are several forms of psychological abuse; Brainwashing, emotional blackmailing, emotional exploitation, emotional r ape, and verbal insults and abuse.


Emotional r ape aims to undermine the victim's self-respect and self-image leaving that person vulnerable to abuse. The victim starts developing a sense of dependence on the abuser, and thus feels incapable of escaping the emotional abuse circle.


Emotional r ape is the exploitation of a person's higher emotions through manipulation and/or deception.


recommend the book by Michael Fox Ph.D. "The Emotional R ape Syndrome: How to Survive and Avoid It"

[pjay]

thank you both for your very good insight !

[patricia william]

I just joined this site and I am just now coming to the realization that I am in what may be a verbally abusive relationship. As I look at what I just typed I see I really need to go back and say that I am in a verbally abusive relationship. I see what has been typed by the respondents to this post and for once I don't feel so terribly stupid or silly. See from the outside everyone thinks my life is perfect. People look at me an say you couldn't have it any better. At least once a day someone says how beautiful my skin or hair is. I wear a size 6, work out with a personal trainer twice a week, stay at home in a penthouse apt, drive a convertible Porsche, my husband is one the most well respected surgeons in our town. I have a B.S. and part of a M.Ed. Yet I feel like I am nothing more than a trophy on my husbands shelf. I maintain my weight (I was a chubby kid and my usual size would be an 8) because he says things like - " your really packing those jeans" or when I was excited to find a box of blow pops at Costco's and wanted to buy them - "look in the Mirror". When I ask him what he means he'll say well you'll get fat. I have tried to tell him that I am 44 and I think that I should be allowed some leeway but he says no excuse. He monitors what I wear and if he doesn't like it he will talk about it until he makes the items so miserable to me that I begin to hate them. I used to love to wear high heels but he has gotten so carried away with them $1400 is too much for shoes especially since I am not working. He will buy these shoes and then when I need money to pay for the house that I lived in before we got married (he will not let me sell it) He makes statements "boy there goes our savings" "we are going deeper in the hole" etc. The job market in our town is very poor as elsewhere.

Every time I try for a job be it temporary for example he will say "the pay is too low". Then I got a job as a food demonstrator I just want to get out of the house he said "will you home before I get in". Then he asked how much it paid, $10 hour for 20 hours was not enough for my time. Then he said to many of his patients came through that store. Then I applied for job at the cosmetics counter at a local dept store. His reply to that was they are going to have you working nights and weekends and I am going to be in gone on my weekends off. On his off weekends he likes to leave town and we go to the city where I used to live and stay in the house that I bought before we got married. I am so besides myself with these signals I could scream. Work we need the money! Don't do that job! I want you home! But if I try to talk with him about it he says very calmly you do what you need to do. My previous professional jobs pay on average of 75 an hour when I made that money he never asked for any of it I just paid the bills on our other house and bought things for myself and groceries.
I just had to type it out because at least I know that their are intelligent women out there who have problems like this and that I am not some silly ditz. I never saw this coming. I read Patricia Evans book and found that this before most of the times surfaces after marriage.

[Lola]

So, Patricia, what do you think you are going to do? A lot of questions there you have to ask yourself, and answer yourself.

Your body is your own, no one else's (just for starters). It is good to look after one's physical health and stay fit, but FOR YOURSELF, not for this person.

IMO this is more than verbal abuse. This is abuse. Period. Control.
If the house you had before you were married is yours, and solely in your name, then you are entitled to sell it. Mind you, it might be better to wait to go down that road until you free yourself from this prison you are in.

Best of luck
Lola

[Mariana]

Hi Patricia,

I agree with the comments here. Whatever you do, do it foor you, not for others. I understand society sometimes plays an important role, especially when it puts pressure on a relationship because society expects people to look and behave like the perfect couple.

You can start by reading some of Dr. Carver's articles which are really good and provide plenty of sufeul information and tips. Check the Dr. Carver group here http://abusoemocional.ning.com/group/drcarverandcounsellingresources

All the best :)

[pjay]

hi patricia,

you said...."for once i don't feel terribly stupid or silly". i know what that feels like. i really do.

i remember hearing something about being 'frozen' emotionally, at a place that we never seem to get past ( or mature past). that it's difficult to move beyond that, partly because it can be so uncomfortable for us.

feeling terribly stupid or silly is something i used to laugh at ( or just laugh off ) . but it was my way of dealing with some sort of pain, or trying to cover it up.
if words hurt me, i wouldn't show it. i certainly wouldn't let others know how i really felt.

but the thing is patricia, you are totally entitled to your feelings. you own those feelings. they are yours, & they belong to you. you have a right to feel what you feel, no matter how foolish, or selfish, or whatever others tell you about them.

& what hurts even worse, is when those words are coming from your spouse.

first of all know that there many many people that can identify with what you're feeling right now (but maybe not with what you're living, LOL ) but you know, on some level, we are all totally the same.

i would take it slow for two reasons. #1, there have been too many doctors, lawyers (i have one in my family), professional people, that somehow 'snap' when a crisis ( of control ) occurs in their lives.
look at the recent story of the university of georgia professor that shot & killed his wife just a couple days ago in athens georgia. i read the words of his close friend who said....of all the people i thought could do something like this, he would be the last on the list.

think about it. you have been giving up small parts of yourself over & over & over again. but on the other hand, think just what it would mean for him to suddenly 'lose' you. (that is, to lose control over you !). he says very calmly...."do what you want to do". but as he's sitting there watching you, what is your gut telling you deep inside ? "if i felt safe, emotionally safe, really safe, it would be so much easier to share how i am feeling right now".

it's not rocket science. by giving you his full time & attention long enough to really 'hear' what you are trying to say, that would actually reveal how much he really cares for you. (believe me, i learned this the hard way).

unfortunately, most of us (maybe i should speak for myself), do learn these relationship 'laws' the hard way.
some are blessed with the marvelous upbringing of two very loving & nurturing adults. others have to scrap & fight tooth & nail for the smallest amount of dignity they can manage to salvage. & it turns out, the biggest struggle is to have control over our own self-respect.

& that's the second thing. give yourself time. this may be all new to you, & you may feel an urgency to do things right away. but take your time. taking back the control in your life is something that invariably tends to 'rock the boat'.

it took a long time for you to get to this place of understanding. so the more equipped you are, the better prepared you will be when that conflict ( or crisis ) arises. & the more you'll feel at home standing on your own two feet.

(be careful about using your computer too. if he has access, be sure you know how to delete the history so your not giving him reason to accuse you of anything)
it seems so silly to feel like you have to go behind anyones back. but remember, it's really about your personal space, & your own self respect, too.

[Lola]

Patricia:

The advice and suggestions given by Psus are very good, and in particular to start with, do make sure your computer is protected from prying eyes!

Next, Psus is right about the control issue. Because abuse and control are very unpleasant relatives. He does not want to lose control over you, he does not want to lose the butt of his abusive treatment, i.e. YOU.
If you felt safe, as Psus points out, then you would be able to discuss things with this individual. But you cannot, because you do not feel safe. Besides, how could anyone feel safe with an abuser, of any kind!

And yes, from a practical standpoint, it is important to get your ducks in a row, and not make any moves today. Make haste slowly is the motto here.

We only have one life, and this is it. So, we have a right to live that life without being belittled or abused, to make the best of our talents, to have a "home" (and there is nothing wrong with having a home on one's own), and indeed about self-respect.

Take care
Lola

[Lola]

Patricia:

Just while I remember, there is a book (excellent) which I would love you to read:

"Stalking the Soul" by Marie-France Hirigoyen (a French psychiatrist). You will see it on Amazon.

Lola

Lola said:

Patricia:

The advice and suggestions given by Psus are very good, and in particular to start with, do make sure your computer is protected from prying eyes!

Next, Psus is right about the control issue. Because abuse and control are very unpleasant relatives. He does not want to lose control over you, he does not want to lose the butt of his abusive treatment, i.e. YOU.
If you felt safe, as Psus points out, then you would be able to discuss things with this individual. But you cannot, because you do not feel safe. Besides, how could anyone feel safe with an abuser, of any kind!

And yes, from a practical standpoint, it is important to get your ducks in a row, and not make any moves today. Make haste slowly is the motto here.

We only have one life, and this is it. So, we have a right to live that life without being belittled or abused, to make the best of our talents, to have a "home" (and there is nothing wrong with having a home on one's own), and indeed about self-respect.

Take care
Lola

[patricia william]

Rosanne,

Thank you. I read your response and in reading it I agree that I need to start with small actions. I have tested the waters so to speak. When I decided that I wanted to learn web design i just enrolled in a class. He never said a word after I started taking it. He eventually saw how excited it made me and asked if I had looked into how long it would take me to get certified and how much that would cost. I am just continuing to take the classes individually at this point. But as for a job, I need to have the courage to just do it! I realize my self esteem has fallen some and it will be up to me to get it back. I do love my husband very much and he is very kind and loving 95% of the time. This is my second marriage and I really don't feel like a divorce. I am not however ready to become chopped liver.

We dated for 6 years before we got married. I traveled 100% of the time and we were together on the weekends. Either in his city or mine. We rarely argued. And I even gained 23 pounds when I quit smoking. He never said a word. And as I look back I know that my average size must have been 8 or 10 because I have had so many things altered. This behavior of control seems to have just started after I said I do. He has married for 20 years and I was married for 30 days prior to us getting married.

There are some things that Patricia Evans cited in her books as to responses to give to abusers and to some of his more hurtful statements I responded as the book indicated or similarly. It seemed to work. The problem is that I don't think he sees what he is doing.

Anyway, I didn't grow up in a functional family. I don't have functional family relationships. I am the youngest child of 3 of a mother who was divorced and remarried several times. My mother was a slightly narcisstic and Beautiful high achiever who had me accidentally out of wedlock in her late 30's. I ended up being the favorite child and I have a 1/2 sister who really doesn't like me and a brother who had a heroin habit for most of his life who I never see. They are 10 and 14 years older than me. I talk to my sister only as needed because she basically has nothing but negative things to say about me. I have enough without her feelings of inadequacy and anger.

But society thinks my life is great and I really don't hate my life. I just want it to be less stressful.

Rosanne Kresse said:

Hi patricia,

First, I think you should commend yourself for realizing that this type of behavior is not allowing yourself to feel good about yourself. It is sometimes very hard for a person who is married and their spouse "picks" at them to see that it is not the truth, but that they are doing something that in a loving, respectful relationship would not happen. It is also hard to fight the "society" that is probably envious of you and probably jealous of you and would want you to "suck it up" and look at all you have as many people have exactly the same type of relationship without all the money and the perks.

So before you "free yourself from the prison", understand that there are steps in which to do that. Perhaps you need to go for a job and accept the position if you get it and tell your husband you have done so. Let him know that you want to do something more than just be around home here and there and have a purpose in life. This kind of "announcement" is one way to start taking back control of you life. Now it doesn't have to start with a job, but you referenced it, so I'm thinking it is something that has become important to you.

I guess what I am saying is that the object here is to start to just do things. Not say things, but do things. I also understand that with someone like your husband the doing will be very hard. He may get very angry that you didn't consult him before taking a position. You need to start to think of ways that you can do as you wish and turn your mind to what replies you can have when he reacts negatively. For instance, when he says that those blow pops will make you fat, you could reply, ah, yeah, so I'll do another couple of crunches, what the hell, only live once...gotta live! This things will suggest to him that you dont' care what he thinks. I'm not sure you said in your post that your desire is to leave your husband. I distinctly heard you say you don't like his treatment of you, and find that it is abusive. It is abusive, but I don't know your husband and I don't know all th ins nd outs of your marriage. Everyone comes from a different perspective here. Some are very used to real hard core abuse, some have dealt with abuse as children that have stripped all of their self-esteem and self-love. Others are in reactive relationships that with therapy can be helped.

So I think first you need to see where you think you fall in, and that takes some introspection. However, we are all here to help in any way we can, but get a real handle first, on exactly what your relationship was before and is now and what lead to those events. That tends to give us a good guide as to which direction we need to go in.

[Lola]

Patricia:

For you:

This is from Dr. Carver's website and articles.

http://www.womensaccounts.com/loving_an_abuser_stockholm_syndrome.html

In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not "all bad" and may at some time correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given positive credit for not abusing their partner, when the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal or physical abuse in a certain situation. that "small kindness" is interpreted as a positive sign

Similar to the small kindness perception is the perception of a "soft side". During the relationship, the abuser/controller may share information about their past – how they were mistreated, abused, neglected, or wronged. The victim begins to feel the abuser/controller may be capable of fixing their behavior or worse yet, that they (abuser) may also be a "victim". Sympathy may develop toward the abuser and we often hear the victim of Stockholm Syndrome defending their abuser ""

Another thing: I am just trying to work out why you are so fixated on your dress size, and why your husband is so fixated on the same thing. Worth = dress size.....? Maybe?
Just preplexed.

Lola




actions. I have tested the waters so to speak. When I decided that I wanted to learn web design i just enrolled in a class. He never said a word after I started taking it. He eventually saw how excited it made me and asked if I had looked into how long it would take me to get certified and how much that would cost. I am just continuing to take the classes individually at this point. But as for a job, I need to have the courage to just do it! I realize my self esteem has fallen some and it will be up to me to get it back. I do love my husband very much and he is very kind and loving 95% of the time. This is my second marriage and I really don't feel like a divorce. I am not however ready to become chopped liver.

We dated for 6 years before we got married. I traveled 100% of the time and we were together on the weekends. Either in his city or mine. We rarely argued. And I even gained 23 pounds when I quit smoking. He never said a word. And as I look back I know that my average size must have been 8 or 10 because I have had so many things altered. This behavior of control seems to have just started after I said I do. He has married for 20 years and I was married for 30 days prior to us getting married.

There are some things that Patricia Evans cited in her books as to responses to give to abusers and to some of his more hurtful statements I responded as the book indicated or similarly. It seemed to work. The problem is that I don't think he sees what he is doing.

Anyway, I didn't grow up in a functional family. I don't have functional family relationships. I am the youngest child of 3 of a mother who was divorced and remarried several times. My mother was a slightly narcisstic and Beautiful high achiever who had me accidentally out of wedlock in her late 30's. I ended up being the favorite child and I have a 1/2 sister who really doesn't like me and a brother who had a heroin habit for most of his life who I never see. They are 10 and 14 years older than me. I talk to my sister only as needed because she basically has nothing but negative things to say about me. I have enough without her feelings of inadequacy and anger.

But society thinks my life is great and I really don't hate my life. I just want it to be less stressful.

Rosanne Kresse said:

Hi patricia,

First, I think you should commend yourself for realizing that this type of behavior is not allowing yourself to feel good about yourself. It is sometimes very hard for a person who is married and their spouse "picks" at them to see that it is not the truth, but that they are doing something that in a loving, respectful relationship would not happen. It is also hard to fight the "society" that is probably envious of you and probably jealous of you and would want you to "suck it up" and look at all you have as many people have exactly the same type of relationship without all the money and the perks.

So before you "free yourself from the prison", understand that there are steps in which to do that. Perhaps you need to go for a job and accept the position if you get it and tell your husband you have done so. Let him know that you want to do something more than just be around home here and there and have a purpose in life. This kind of "announcement" is one way to start taking back control of you life. Now it doesn't have to start with a job, but you referenced it, so I'm thinking it is something that has become important to you.

I guess what I am saying is that the object here is to start to just do things. Not say things, but do things. I also understand that with someone like your husband the doing will be very hard. He may get very angry that you didn't consult him before taking a position. You need to start to think of ways that you can do as you wish and turn your mind to what replies you can have when he reacts negatively. For instance, when he says that those blow pops will make you fat, you could reply, ah, yeah, so I'll do another couple of crunches, what the hell, only live once...gotta live! This things will suggest to him that you dont' care what he thinks. I'm not sure you said in your post that your desire is to leave your husband. I distinctly heard you say you don't like his treatment of you, and find that it is abusive. It is abusive, but I don't know your husband and I don't know all th ins nd outs of your marriage. Everyone comes from a different perspective here. Some are very used to real hard core abuse, some have dealt with abuse as children that have stripped all of their self-esteem and self-love. Others are in reactive relationships that with therapy can be helped.

So I think first you need to see where you think you fall in, and that takes some introspection. However, we are all here to help in any way we can, but get a real handle first, on exactly what your relationship was before and is now and what lead to those events. That tends to give us a good guide as to which direction we need to go in.