From The Inner Journey

[Mariana]

The Inner Journey is a newsletter I receive via email and it often provides insightful information... this is the article I received today and wanted to share it with you.

The first step to forgiveness

"To get to forgiveness, we first have to work through the painful experiences that require it."

-- Christiane Northrup

To forgive, we do not have to say that whatever happened was okay. In fact, before we can forgive, we need to allow ourselves to really feel the pain of the experience. If we don’t fully acknowledge our hurts, we will continue to carry them subconsciously and they will drain our energy.

To forgive, we need to decide that we won’t allow the memories of the event to poison us any longer. We’re ready to heal this wound from the past and open to a fresh new beginning.

The blessing is that when we’re really ready to experience our pain and we open to it, it usually fades away. By honouring our pain, we release it.

"We must let ourselves feel all the painful destruction we want to forgive rather than swallow it in denial. If we do not face it, we cannot choose to forgive it."

-- Kenneth McNoll

[Lola]

I agree entirely Mariana that denial is "toxic", and that one must work through the dregs of the event, and hopefully look towards new beginnings.
On the other hand, I do not think it is healthy to terminally mull over the grief caused, or constantly re-visit the "scene of the accident".

And no, what happened (specifically we are I assume talking of abuse and abusers) was not okay. I do not think people should have to "forgive" the abuser, if they do not wish to. Perhaps they do need to forgive themselves for wasting time with an abusive individual. That is another matter.

Lola

[Mariana]

Personally, I think I take forgiveness in a more metaphorical sense, like getting over it and going on with my life. If I keep dwelling in the past, instead of releasing that feeling of resentment towards the abusers I met, it's like I am somehow empowering them, letting them still have a say in my life.

So, I see it more as a way to release the feelings. In fact, I never told any abuser (alive or dead) that I have forgiven them, forgiveness is more something I need for myself. In that respect, it has more to do with what you pointed out, forgiving ourselves for wasting our time with them.

When Dr. Wayne Dyer wrote (many years ago) his book, Your Erroneous Zones, he gave many live lectures on this book, and he explained that he wrote that book because of the feelings he had towards his father. His father was a drunkard, who left his mother when Dr. Dyer was a kid, and never cared about them, etc. So, as Dyer grew up and became a young adult, he started looking for his father, only to find he had already passed away. He jumped and spit on the tomb of his father and cursed him in many ways. And finally, he said, ok, I forgive you, and by fogiving I don't mean that I am "justifying" what you have done, it just means that if you were alive we would never be friends, and - at the same time - I would not have to live with this resentment any more.

And that meaning of forgiveness is the one I have used in my life. I have forgiven a lot of people, but that does not mean we are friends again. It means, they go their way, I go mine and forget they exist. That way, I have stopped living in the past amidst a bunch of negative feelings that dragged me down. And here I agree with Dr. Carver's article about Memory Management, we can choose to pull out those old files that contain bad memories, or we can choose to live in the present, looking into the future. The past is gone, it has already happened. It hurt, it may have served us to learn a lesson or not, but it's not our present time, and it's not good for us to build our future based on our past wounds.

[Lola]

I agree entirely with what you say, Mariana. It is a futile exercise dwelling on the past, and on past grievances. The past does need to be released, we do need to exorcise those negative feelings before they creep in and get a hold. However, at times it can be difficult, because abuse and its effects remain in the mind forever as scars. The scars heal over, or appear to do so, but the twinges can give a stab now and then. In far too many cases the abuse has been so constant and severe (this is not just about some grievance or some adverse situation) that it is very difficult for the person to just put it behind them, even with the best will in the world.

We do need to live in the present, and think about what we are doing today, as in, realise that the actions (however small) of today, will configure the tomorrow.

Best to all
Lola