Protecting Daughters

[Lola]

The Roots of Abuse in American Society
Excerpted from Saving Beauty from the Beast: How to Protect Your Daughter From an Unhealthy Relationship
By Vicki Crompton, Ellen Zelda Kessner

"It is difficult for many of us who have never experienced violence in our marriages or when we were dating to realize the power of today's “junk culture,” as psychologist Mary Pipher calls it, a culture that stresses supermacho, aggressive role models for young men and weak, submissive ones for young women. In our postfeminist society, many of us, strong women ourselves, are often astonished to discover that once our accomplished daughters reach their teens, they can find their self-esteem only through the eyes of a boyfriend empowered to destroy it. And they never know it's happening until it's too late.""




http://www.enotalone.com/article/3645.html

[JuanJosé]

And, on top of it, some teen girls think it's cool if their boyfriend has already gone to jail!

[pjay]

yes this is sad. but i'm not so sure you can ever turn the tide of this 'beauty/beast' thing that seems to have gone on for all time & eternity. (incidentally, my heart has been torn out w/my own daughter over this matter...more than once!)

honestly, when i think of that time in my life, in spite of where my self esteem seems to have been, that period of time appears to have been a sort of proving ground....or a time of testing the limits.

it reminds me of a recent video clip(s), where one observer stated that in order to move beyond being stuck in one stage of life...."all of the molds we have lived by have to be broken, & we have to liberate ourselves in this way".

so i think, in a way, that 'beast' that they behold, sort of represents a kind of liberation from those traditional ideals they have always known. & not that this 'creep' has all the answers to life. but the notion of him 'breaking the mold' so to speak, that represents a kind of venue where one feels total free to express themselves.(which in my opinion is the real driver here)

of course, because we are miles ahead of them, we already know the answer.....touch that stove & you'll get burned !! of course, abuse is never ever justified.

on the other hand, i love (& am haunted by) the words of that song by john mayer.........Daughters.

Fathers be good to your daughters,
daughters will love like you do,
girls become lovers
who turn into mothers,
so mothers be good to your daughters too.

[Lola]

Yes, Psus, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with breaking a mold (if you don't break yourself in the process LOL). On the other hand, it is possible to progress in life without breaking anything....if the mold is good enough, why break it? and I certainly do not think it is necessary to engage in delinquent behaviour, or have done a jail term, to become a "grown up". But the "junk culture" glorifies this sort of behaviour. Many (otherwise educated and apparently intelligent) young women are drawn by the "bad boy", the flashy loser (as in Dr. Joe's article). So in a sense they enable the bad boy, and actually encourage him to be worse (worse to them, that is!) What a conundrum.

It is good to be free to express oneself, totally, I could not agree more. Big difference between that and harming another person. Freedom carries responsibility. Luckily, there are the responsible younger people -- I see them every day. The young guy who has the local car wash from ´Thursday evening to Sunday. He works a day job as well, and has set up his little business, no doubt to progress in life, and get on with it. He is extremely young, I notice. Maybe one day he will have a small chain of car washes. One thing is sure: working those kinds of hours he'll not have a lot of time for delinquent behaviour!! The question is: what has he got inside him that others haven't, and why? I'd bet any money that good parenting was one component.

Your little poem does indeed say it all.

Lola

[Cecilia]

Hi Rossane, I think too that sometimes children and teens have issues of their own, maybe some mental health problem which has nothing to do with the parents. I don't know if these account for a small percentage or if it's more like a 50-50 thing, but I believe it's not the parent's fault in all 100% of the cases. Maybe it is in -let's say- 80% of the cases, but I really don't know.

[Lola]

Sorry to take issue with you Rosanne on one thing you say "children do have choices". Sorry. No, they don't. Young children (we are not talking here maybe late teens) look up to their primary caregiver, the parent, the role model. They copy the example, good or bad. Indeed, the critical age is between birth and seven. Actually, it is early infancy that is most critical.
A child who hears and sees (and experiences) emotional, verbal or indeed physical abuse in childhood reaches, naturally enough, the conclusion that it is "normal", and in the case of girls can, and generally do, then seek out (albeit even subconsciously) the "abuser" (the loser described in Dr. Carver's articles), and the abusive relationship.

Teenage years. That is entirely another matter, and teenagers will, naturally enough, try it on and try it out!. But one thing is certain: the teenager is the product of the infancy and childhood, and you are correct, the child and the teenager will be influenced greatly by the behaviour of the parents with their spouses and other family members. If the spouses are verbally, mentally and maybe physically abusive towards each other, well, what outcome can one expect in the children?

Sure, the teenage girl will want to break away from her mother. It is called growing up. There is nothing dysfunctional about that. The young girl will want to do different things. I know I certainly did (lol). What is dysfunctional is the girl who seeks out one abusive relationship after another, because that is what she has seen in the home environment.

Yes, in adult life we must learn from our mistakes. This cannot be applied to small children.

Yes, the children of what are apparently good parents do sometimes seem to go down the tubes: drugs, and other types of anti-social behaviour. We never ever know what goes on all the time in a home, and what to the outsider may seem like a good parent may not be quite what he or she seems. I've seen this many times myself, and when you dig underneath the "apparent", well the ideal parents were not that ideal. Unfortunately, the therapist (sometimes in the form of the police psychologist) only appears on the scene when it is rather too late.

Lola

[Lola]

You make a very good point, Cecilia. A child may be born with "bad wiring", and that is neither the child's fault, nor the parents fault.
Nonetheless, the parents' job is to notice such things, and get help early on. Unfortunately many parents do not wish to think that little Johnny or Mary has maybe got "bad wiring", among other reasons because the "bad wiring" might be genetic (usually is in fact).

Lola

[Mariana]

This has become a very interesting discussion! I really want to thank you for all your comments. I believe that having different views is valuable and helps us learn from each other. Sometimes, misunderstandings happen because we tend to see things only "our way" (generally speaking) and perhaps this is something we see more often between parents and teens.

Regarding very young children, I agree their choices are almost null. Now, regarding teens, they may rely on a school counselor for advice, for instance, or suffer from peer pressure and could end up making the worst decisions. Ideally, if parents had good parenting skills, they would teach their children to protect themselves and make safe choices from an early age, but for a variety of reasons, parents usually fail to do this. Some may be too much into their own issues, neglecting their children's emotional needs, and other may just don't want to know, take resposibility, etc.

And last, but not least, I think too that perhaps in a very small percentage, some kids are born with issues already.

Anyway, I really like that we can all state our different viewpoints and share different opinions on this subject.

PS: Mind my tupos, it's kind of late here and I'm off to bed now =)

[Lola]

It isn't me saying it!


http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/109/4/e68
""Psychological maltreatment of children occurs when a person conveys to a child that he or she is worthless, flawed, unloved, unwanted, endangered, or only of value in meeting another’s needs.5 The perpetrator may spurn, terrorize, isolate, or ignore or impair the child’s socialization. If severe and/or repetitious, the following behaviors may constitute psychological maltreatment:

Spurning (belittling, degrading, shaming, or ridiculing a child; singling out a child to criticize or punish; and humiliating a child in public).



""Psychological maltreatment may result in a myriad of long-term consequences for the child victim.14 A chronic pattern of psychological maltreatment destroys a child’s sense of self and personal safety. This leads to adverse effects on the following15:

Intrapersonal thoughts, including feelings (and related behaviors) of low self-esteem, negative emotional or life view, anxiety symptoms, depression, and suicide or suicidal thoughts.

Emotional health, including emotional instability, borderline personality, emotional unresponsiveness, impulse control problems, anger, physical self-abuse, eating disorders, and substance abuse.

Social skills, including antisocial behaviors, attachment problems, low social competency, low sympathy and empathy for others, self-isolation, noncompliance, sexual maladjustment, dependency, aggression or violence, and delinquency or criminality.

Learning, including low academic achievement, learning impairments, and impaired moral reasoning. ""

Lola

[Mariana]

Some people are unaware of the devastating impact child emotional abuse has on children. Those are just some of the consequences and thanks for posting them here together with the reference link.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of depressed children who end up doing what I call a passive suicide. They simply wish they were dead and hurt themselves by getting ill, not eating or eating too much, having too many accidents, etc. They gradually destroy their lives, but not in an attempt to draw their parents attention but in an attempt to put an end to their suffering.

Lola said:

It isn't me saying it!


http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/109/4/e68
""Psychological maltreatment of children occurs when a person conveys to a child that he or she is worthless, flawed, unloved, unwanted, endangered, or only of value in meeting another’s needs.5 The perpetrator may spurn, terrorize, isolate, or ignore or impair the child’s socialization. If severe and/or repetitious, the following behaviors may constitute psychological maltreatment:

Spurning (belittling, degrading, shaming, or ridiculing a child; singling out a child to criticize or punish; and humiliating a child in public).



""Psychological maltreatment may result in a myriad of long-term consequences for the child victim.14 A chronic pattern of psychological maltreatment destroys a child’s sense of self and personal safety. This leads to adverse effects on the following15:

Intrapersonal thoughts, including feelings (and related behaviors) of low self-esteem, negative emotional or life view, anxiety symptoms, depression, and suicide or suicidal thoughts.

Emotional health, including emotional instability, borderline personality, emotional unresponsiveness, impulse control problems, anger, physical self-abuse, eating disorders, and substance abuse.

Social skills, including antisocial behaviors, attachment problems, low social competency, low sympathy and empathy for others, self-isolation, noncompliance, sexual maladjustment, dependency, aggression or violence, and delinquency or criminality.

Learning, including low academic achievement, learning impairments, and impaired moral reasoning. ""

Lola