TEN ATTITUDES THAT PREVENT YOU FROM LISTENING

[JoeinTX]

A great article I found on the net.

These are some of the reasons why we fail to develop a healthy relationships with others and it also prevent us from growing, changing and therefore, changing our lives and attitude from letting others victimize us to not letting others victimize us.

1. TRUTH. You believe that you are right and the other person is wrong. You are preoccupied with proving your point instead of expressing your angry feelings more directly or trying to grasp how the other person is thinking and feeling.

2. BLAME. You believe that the problem is the other person’s fault. You feel overwhelmingly convinced that you’re completely innocent and tell yourself that you have every right to blame him or her.

3. NEED TO BE A VICTIM. You feel sorry for yourself and think that other people are treating you unfairly because of their insensitivity and selfishness. Your stubborn unwillingness to do anything assertive to make the situation better gives people the impression that you like the role of martyr.

4. SELF-DECEPTION. You cannot imagine that you contribute to a problem because you cannot see the impact of your behavior on others. For example, you may complain that your wife nags you, but don’t think about the fact that you repeatedly “forget” to follow through on promises. Or, you may complain that your husband is stubborn and unwilling to listen to your ideas, but you don’t notice that you constantly contradict everything he says.

5. DEFENSIVENESS. You are so fearful of criticism that you can’t stand to hear anything negative or disagreeable. Instead of listening and trying to find the truth in the other person’s point of view, you have the urge to argue and defend yourself.

6. COERCION SENSITIVITY. You’re afraid of giving in or being bossed around. Other people seem controlling and domineering and you feel that you must dig in your heels and resist them.

7. DEMANDINGNESS. You feel entitled to better treatment from others and you get frustrated when they do not treat you as you expected. Instead of trying to understand what really motivates them, you insist that they are being unreasonable and have no right to feel and act the way they do.

8. SELFISHNESS. You want what you want when you want it and you throw a tantrum when you don’t get it. You are not especially interested in what others may be thinking and feeling.

9. MISTRUST. You put up a wall because you believe you will be taken advantage of if you listen and try to grasp what the other person is thinking and feeling.

10. HELP ADDICTION. You feel the need to help people when all they want is to be listened to. When friends or family members complain about how bad they feel, you make “helpful” suggestions and tell them what to do. Instead of being appreciative they get annoyed and continue to complain. You both end up feeling frustrated.

[pjay]

these are all excellent points, joe. listening well is certainly a big handicap of mine.
time we spend listening would surely make our lives better, in every way. thanks !

[Mariana]

I agree with this, thanks for posting it.

I we fail to listen (to others and ourselves) I guess there's little chance we can grow, change and move on.

;)

[Lola]

In actual fact, and I am not sure if the article was written with some irony, the traits described would to a large extent fit in with a profile of a person who has a personality disorder. Such persons cannot engage in a healthy relationship, less so will they "grow and change" (a laughable idea where the personality disordered are concerned).

Classic example (which you can compare to listed personality disorder traits) :

"7. DEMANDINGNESS. You feel entitled to better treatment from others and you get frustrated when they do not treat you as you expected. Instead of trying to understand what really motivates them, you insist that they are being unreasonable and have no right to feel and act the way they do.

8. SELFISHNESS. You want what you want when you want it and you throw a tantrum when you don’t get it. You are not especially interested in what others may be thinking and feeling."

We all now and then have our "bad moments", which are normal in normal persons. Don't go on a guilt trip about it.

Lola

[Mariana]

Hola Lola,

Yes, I see and understand your point. Maybe what Joe posted here has more to do with a narcississtic personality, someone who believes it's all about him or her...

I personally believe that the key is a healthy balance. This is: not to be too harsh on ourselves and not to throw ourselves pity parties on the other hand. Like you said, we all have our "bad days" and that is normal too.

On another forum, I got banned just because I tried to explain the victim's role in a bad relationship. But, of course, this does not mean the victim "is to blame" for the abuser's behaviors.

The whole reply I posted on the other site was the following,

I believe there is a significant difference between "blame" or "fault" and "awareness" or "accountability."

Abusers are people who have mental health issues and that - certainly- it's not something the victim is responsible for. Abusers exist on this world and that's no one's "fault."

Victims do not "enjoy" being abused. They do not look forward to developing abusive relationships, either.

The problem arises when victims of abusive partners fall into self-deception. If a victim keeps thinking/expecting his/her abuser will change, then the victim has a problem too.

If a victim fails to see the fact that their expectations are being unrealistic, then the victim needs help to understand he/she needs to become aware that there's nothing they can do that will "heal" the abuser's mental health issues or "fix" the unhealthy relationship. Because, like I've mentioned before, abusers' mental health issues are not caused by the victim. Abusers need to address their own mental health issues and receive therapy. The victim is not to blame for the abuser's mental health issues and the victim cannot fix those issues (unless he/she is an experienced mental health professional)

So, again, my point was "It's not the victim's fault" "The victim is not to blame for the abuse" BUT "the victim needs to become aware of the dysfunctionality of the relationship itself and of his or her line of thought/reasoning," AND (usually with professional help) "the victim needs to take action and remove him/herself from the relationship"... because, it's highly unlikely that the abuser will do for the victim what the victim does not do for and by him/herself to get rid of the abusive relationship or abusive partner.

So, awareness, accountability/responsibility is -at least to me- something completely different from blaming someone for another person's mental health issues or pointing fingers at the victim and saying "it's your fault."

To me, the difference between the two concepts is pretty clear. However, some people suffer from what's called "Self-Deceptive Denial" and will tend to deny any responsibility (in the healthiest sense of the word "responsibility") and will rather keep complaining and hoping for the abuser to admit their fault. This simply won't happen. Abusers do not hold themselves accountable for the harm they cause. And, you bet, of course, that lack of accountability from the abuser is not the victim's fault either.

Thanks for asking me to clarify on this topic.

Unfortunately, the blinder a victim remains and stays in an unhealthy relationship, and the stronger the bond they have with an abusive partner, the lesser the chances they have to end and overcome that kind of relationship. Self-deception and denial is not the right road to healing.

This is why awareness and knowledge about abusive relationships are key to our emotional wellbeing. It's not about blaming oneself for other people's mental health problems, it's about becoming aware of our needs and what we need to do to start our process of healing.