The Abusive Personality

[Lola]

Hello to everyone:

Nothing happens or can be created in a vacuum, and the abuser or abusive personality is no exception. No one is born an abuser.
Abuse is abhorrent, and not to be tolerated. Unfortunately, it is a "learnt trait" to both abuse and to become an abuse victim. This article makes bleak reading but it is the awful truth.

The Abusive Personality: Violence and Control in Intimate Relationships, by Donald G. Dutton

New York: Guilford Publications, Inc., 1998, 214 pages (ISBN 1-57230- 370-0,


http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3711/is_199908/ai_n8869148
An excerpt:

""Experiencing parental rejection and shaming in the form of criticism and public and random punishment result in adulthood in externalizing (blaming) attributional style combined with high chronic anger. And insecure attachment as a child results in adulthood in insecure attachment, sensitivity to rejection, and a disturbed self-schema that is prone to anxiety and depression and an inability to calm oneself down."

Thus, Dutton hypothesized, the men had learned to be abusive by three different processes. Parental psychological abuse resulted in a vulnerable borderline personality prone to going on the defensive to shore itself up. Physical abuse directed at them or their mothers modelled the abusive behaviour for them. And both the physical and emotional abuse left them with fearful attachment styles. Together, these generated the abusive personality.""

[Mariana]

Hi Lola,

I agree with you wholeheartdely. Abuse is indeed a learned pattern. Thanks a lot for posting the link to that interesting article! It's a great addition to this site and for everyone to read.

=)

[pjay]

this is a good article. i am especially curious about this idea of 'insecure attachment' & 'fearful attachment'.

hearing over & over the concept of 'we are here to love & be loved', it appears that we spend much of our entire lives learning what are the healthy limits of that 'give & take', by which all of our attachments consist of.(in every relationship)

learning to trust, learning not to trust. learning to share, learning where to draw the line.

how does one move away from having so much skepticism & cynicism in others, to developing more healthy forms of trust & appreciation in others, without eliminating the risk involved ?(of being hurt, etc)

[Lola]

Hello Paul:

Good to read you.

No, it is not necessary to be skeptic or cynical, and yes, it is quite in order to trust, using the normal precautions which would be pertinent to the case. Blind trust is not good, nor is "blind love".
The emotionally healthy (and there is a veritable wealth of writing and info out there on EQ, emotional intelligence) are balanced in the interraction with lif, their intuition is good, their grasp of situations is good.
It is vital to first love oneself (this is entirely different to being "in love" with oneself), not to be needy for love.

Dysfunctional upbringing (and in particular the early infancy stage) has the nefarious effect of leaving the person unsure of what healthy limits are, or indeed of any limits at all.
You might like to look at some essays on the topic by Dr. Richard Grossman on www.voicelessness.com

All the best
Lola

[pjay]

wow. this is a valuable resource.

i sometimes feel like a kid in a candy store.(i know the goal here is to grow up ! lol)
but it can sometimes feel intimidating to know there is so much to learn.

i will try to be mindful, in this new year, to be grateful for all those who 'light the way' to a better understanding of ourselves, of others, & of the world in which we live. thank you!

[Lola]

There was an expression coined some time back by a poster on a site like this, and it was "Malignant Optimism". Malignant optimism is a toxic mindset whereby the "victim" thinks, indeed is sure, the abuser will change and become a delightful, kindly person. The bad news is that abusers do not change.


"Will The Abuser Change?

The short answer? No. Not for more than a little while at a time. These short periods of being 'nice' are called hoovers. Like the famous sucking vacuum cleaner. The 'nice' is by design to suck you back into the relationship.

The basic reasons a person is abusive don't change. Mental Illness, Neural abnormality, TBI / Frontal lobe injury. People are not just born mean and then begin a 'cycle of violence'. Mean people are mean all the time and usually to everyone. Abusive people cycle and that points to neurology. People's brains don't change to any extent their whole lives other than to deteriorate as we age and abusers generally get worse as their brains age, not better. So if you're hoping for enlightenment or an epiphany from an abuser- remember, it's their brains that likely cause it- not their personality.

[Lola]

Thought I would flag this up again.

Lola

[Mariana]

Hi Rosanne,

Well, when I started this site, I remeber telling someone who asked me if I had been a victim of abuse, that I have been both: a victim and an abuser. And, yes, I did change, I'm no longer a victim or an abuser.

I have just finished writing a book on emotional abuse in Spanish and I am in the process of publishing it now. As an abuser, I was not aware I was abusing others. This is far more complex than people believe it is. It was a lot easier for me, as a victim, to single out the abuser and complain about his or her behavior. Now, when I realized I was abusing others, I just wanted to shoot myself. I felt horribly and started working on that and committed myself to the hard task to change.

Change is not an easy process. At least it wasn't for me, it took me a lot of hard work and a lot of years (yes, years!) For instance, when I was having horrible arguments with my second husband, I was neglecting my children's emotional needs at the same time. When adults expose children to domestic violence or vebal abuse issues, those adults are emotionally abusing and neglecting the kids.

Sometimes, when we are victims, we are so much into our vitcim's role that we lose sight of who else is out there, who else we might be hurting unwillingly.

So, when I had a major argument with my second husband (who wasn't the father of my children) I ended up all day long in a very irritable mood, and all I could think of was "It's not fair, he abuses me all the time, it's not fair"... and then, I would be a horrible mood all day, replying to my children in a bad mood, mistreating them because "I" was in a bad mood and was not doing anything to change my situation (not their fault at all)... but they were the ones who suffered the consequences, and they also got hurt, and their emotional needs were neglected by me, and I would even shout at them because "I" was in a bad mood. So, you see, I could have chosen to say, "Oh well, it was a colateral damage they suffered because of my ex husband's emotional abuse towards me"... HELLO....!!!

I was ME doing nothing about it except for complaining all day long about my husband's abusive bahavior, and what was I doing apart from that? I was abusing my children, too.

So, please, we need to open our eyes and see if we are hurting someone close to us. Sometimes we are unable to see this, we are unable to understand it, but when we DO become aware, and it is not our nature, it's not in us to abuse others, then we can change, we can stop being abusers.

By focusing on not abusing my children any more, I quit being a victim and a abuser at the same time. I divorced my husband and started a new life. This had a signifficant positive impact in my children's life as well as on mine. Now I can relate to people a lot better, neither as a victim nor as an abuser (I hope -lol).

If an abuser has severe mental health issues, then change might be a lot more complicated, since he or she may need medication, psychiatric services, etc. That's why, in my book, I described different types of abusers and different types of abuse.

In real life, a person who steals a hen or a pig to eat, is not the same kind of criminal as a serial killer who has raped and murdered dozens just because. I was not the same kind of abuser than a woman beater man is, for instance.

If we fail to see when we are victims and we can become abusers, then we have little chance to change, heal, recover from abuse, etc. Some people just get stuck there and are really unable to see or to accept what's going on. They get stuck in the ranting phase, just like I used to do when all I did was complain and say "it's so unfair" - Yes, it's still unfair, but complaining, night and day, didn't change things the way they were.

Some victims also get stuck because they tend to believe the abuser will change "magically"... that's highly unlikely to happen. Unless an abuser really acknowledges his or her role and the abusive behavior, chances are the abuser will not change much.

But when an abuser does realize he is abusing others (like I did) and does not want to be an abuser, and does not enjoy being an abuser, then the abuser can change. Like I said before, it takes a lot of hard work and a lot of time, but it's worth it and it's possible.

Thanks for your comment, and sorry about the loooong reply.

[Lola]

Hello Mariana:

Well, I have never liked that word "victim", and I think that someone who is abused is best described as an abused person. IMO the abused person gets to the end of her (his) tether, and indeed (this being the abuser's intent) becomes a little unhinged. Sustained abuse does that to people. So you reacted, you were worn out, and your behaviour reflected that. The fact that you felt horrible about this , that you had that insight, is, in fact, proof in itself that you were not an abuser. Abusers do not see themselves as abusers. They think their behaviour is normal (it is to them).

I just want to say, too (not detracting in any way from your experience) that having an argument with someone, with a spouse, etc. does not constitute abuse. The worst verbal abuse, is the quiet spoken, belittling, demeaning, constant, insulting kind, where the abuser makes one look like one is crazy (see my post about gaslighting).

I also think that emotional battering leaves far greater scars than any physical blow could. A cut will heal, a bruise will heal, but the scars of emotional abuse are long-term. In my book anyhow, the mental and emotional batterer is absolutely the worst kind. It goes without saying that the verbal abuser, the psychological abuser, does, if the abused person stays around long enough, get around to the physical assault as well.

It is highly unlikely that the abuser who has NPD or a mental disorder will ever present for treatment. Why? Because he or she does not believe there is anything wrong with him or her. The disorder is for them as normal as our ordinary behaviour is normal to us. The problem is that people meet, even marry, individuals who have such disorders, because it is not evident they have a disorder, and if you are sane, how on earth can you begin to fathom the behaviour of someone who is not? Their method of operating is the "stealth" method, to make you feel you are crazy, to dismantle the "you", to project on to you. Your disbelief is such that ordinary terminology is not applicable. You don't think "victim", you don't think "I've got to sort this out", in fact you can't think at all, you are functioning, if that is the word in such a situation, on a strange automatic pilot. Your instinct is to run, with just the clothes on your back, but you are glued to the spot, not because you are black and blue, or even overtly threatened at that moment, but because you have no terms of reference.
How do I know all this? I know because I have been there.

Lola

[Mariana]

About the victim term, there's a website (Amy posted the link to it here some time ago) that speaks of Targets of abuse.

I was, undoubtedly an abuser, no excuse for that. There are several personality disorders, and abusers usually fall in the category of: Narcissistic Personality DIsorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Bordeline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality DIsorder (a.k.a. sociopaths), etc. Some abusers also suffer from Bipolar disorder. Other abusers do not suffer from any mental illness and act in an abusive way due to the particular situation they are living. Someone who is under constant stress and pressure, etc. However, they still abuse others. Again, no excuse there.

Some mental health professionals believe there are 2 kinds of abusers (basically) - a) those who are aware of the harm they cause (and just don't care) and those who are not aware of the harm they cause. Some abusers change when they become aware of the harm they are causing, while others refuse to accept they are abusers. This is what you were saying, when they don't see themselves as abusers.

This is similar to what I posted about women who are victims or targets of abuse who decide to forgive a man who has beaten her up and moves back with him or lets him move back with her, etc. These women are what I call "conscious or aware victims." It does not mean they enjoy being abused, but it means they have become aware of the fact that the abuser has been abusing them. (Why they go back? ... go figure...)

And abusers who realize they have been abusing others and accept it as a fact, actually do their best to change. It's not easy, especially if you were an abuser and a severely depressed victim of abuse at the same time. When we are depressed due to abuse, it's like walking in the dark, you're kind of guessing your way out.

Also, there's the self-denial or self-deception issue. Abusers refuse to admit they are abusers just as some victims refuse to leave the abuser for whatever reason.

Human beings are very complex, and each person is unique. Their life experiences are unique, so it's a bit simplistic to generalize like I am doing here for the sake of providing an example.

I can tell about my experience with abuse, but what has been useful for me, what has helped me change, may not be useful for others, because they might have had completely different experiences. We have different personalities too, and different attitudes towards life.

Until not loong ago, I just could not understand why victims of abuse were unable to see their abuser's moves and get rid of the abuser or the abusive relationship. To me, it didn't make any sense for a victim to stay in an abusive relationship, but some people can't leave an abuser or an abusive relationships for a variety of reasons. Again, people are different around the globe. Abusers may suffer from different kinds of disorders, or may just be unaware of the harm they cause. So, it's hard to tell which can change and which cannot.

Even some narcissitic abusers who are fully aware of their abusive nature, just don't care about changing, while others who get proper treatment might be able to change, but it takes time and a lot of hard work.

[Mariana]

I found the link...

http://abusoemocional.ning.com/profiles/blogs/a-free-tutorial-on-em...

[Lola]

Hello to all:

One thing is certain. I never saw myself as a victim, and I have never been an abuser. Yes, experiences or rather, circumstances, may differ, but abuse is abuse.
And the leopard does not change his spots. Sorry.

Having been fortunate in my upbringing, and having had a normal life, it goes without saying that like most of the population I had never heard then of personality disorders, and had never had encounters with mentally ill people. That was simply another world.
I had never met abusive people, I had had boyfriends or "relationships" before I married, and they were perfectly normal. I was simply the sort of person who would not have tolerated anyone stepping over the line with me. Anyone even remotely "iffy" was simply ignored by me. Neither did I marry young, in some sort of romantic haze LOL. Conflict of any kind would not have been my style.

I do not intend to give a blow by blow account of my experience. Suffice to say that the individual was only diagnosed (by a mental health professional) when far too much had happened. I had never in my life heard of NPD or any PD. In fact I wondered what the psych was talking about. So I got on my computer, looked it up (and nine years ago there was nothing like the info now available), and there it was, in black and white, a total description of this man. It was almost eerie, as if they knew him. Which is why I know the mental health experts are right.

And no, Roseanne, I did not endure the abuse. I am not the "martyr" type LOL. I was totally perplexed, and my first intuition (not really wrong!) was: "god he is going insane". You see there is NO advance warning, none. If there was, I would have seen it. I was no shrinking violet, I had been around, I knew how to stand up for myself.
Unless insanity was involved, I asked myself then, how could an ordinary, regular, normal person be behaving like this. I did not know about the PD factor, naturally.
Do not tell me, anyone, that these conditions are treatable, because they are not. And it is not me saying it. At the time of getting the diagnosis I asked the psych what chance there was of such an individual getting help. He just shook his head. And everything I have read ever since has backed that up. How on earth can an ingrained personality, there since infancy, be changed? The shattered self is long gone, and something else was instituted in its place, the "coping mechanism". It would rather be like asking me, or you, to change our normal empathetic selves into PDs. We could not do it.....

All the best
Lola

[Lola]

People with NPD have shattered selves, and a false self is set up in its place. There is a wealth of information on the disorder on the net and elsewhere.
Tough luck if that was his problem, but it was not my problem to fix it, that's for sure.

I did not say I did not suffer. It goes without saying that the loss of home, perceived plans, the time wasted, and the general mayhem which ensues in these cases, caused me great grief. I would be inhuman if I did not experience that. It still seems quite unreal. It was unreal.

I am not sure if I follow you here:

"People who need to feel validated because of their lack of self worth, usually overcompensate for those feelings and are very aggressive in their opinions and beliefs, and do very well in business. "

Lola





And indeed, I think you were no shrinking violet, and did not mean to imply that a person who inside may feel worthless acts like a shrinking violet. Actually, the opposite is usually true. People who need to feel validated because of their lack of self worth, usually overcompensate for those feelings and are very aggressive in their opinions and beliefs, and do very well in business. Worth and intelligence are not linked and worth and getting things accomplished are not linked.

How unfortunate for your ex-husband that he had a shattered self, I can only imagine his own pain when that self was shattered and a "coping mechanism" needed to kick in. But as you stated, I can't change my empathetic self either.