The Abusive Personality

[Lola]

Hello to everyone:

Nothing happens or can be created in a vacuum, and the abuser or abusive personality is no exception. No one is born an abuser.
Abuse is abhorrent, and not to be tolerated. Unfortunately, it is a "learnt trait" to both abuse and to become an abuse victim. This article makes bleak reading but it is the awful truth.

The Abusive Personality: Violence and Control in Intimate Relationships, by Donald G. Dutton

New York: Guilford Publications, Inc., 1998, 214 pages (ISBN 1-57230- 370-0,


http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3711/is_199908/ai_n8869148
An excerpt:

""Experiencing parental rejection and shaming in the form of criticism and public and random punishment result in adulthood in externalizing (blaming) attributional style combined with high chronic anger. And insecure attachment as a child results in adulthood in insecure attachment, sensitivity to rejection, and a disturbed self-schema that is prone to anxiety and depression and an inability to calm oneself down."

Thus, Dutton hypothesized, the men had learned to be abusive by three different processes. Parental psychological abuse resulted in a vulnerable borderline personality prone to going on the defensive to shore itself up. Physical abuse directed at them or their mothers modelled the abusive behaviour for them. And both the physical and emotional abuse left them with fearful attachment styles. Together, these generated the abusive personality.""

[Lola]

I am sure you would, Rosanne, I am sure you would (love to clarify, that is!).

Lola

>

[Mariana]

I was just reading all this, and in all honesty, I got completely lost.

Maybe because my English is not that good... not sure. Anyway, I perceive there is some misunderstanding. You can both post your views and feelings about this here or via private messaging. I don't have a problem with that. Actually, I don't have any problem at all with people solving their misunderstandings, I love when we can all solve our differences.

I just posted a new discussion, not much of a discussion, but more of a post on how I feel about all this.

I respect your right to express your feelings and I said in my post, do so openly and honestly. I personally believe it's the safest road to avoid future misunderstandings.

Sometimes we need some relaity checks to see if other people are misunderstanding us or if we are misundertstanding others.

All I ask is for members not to disrespect each other. When we disrespect others we disrespect ourselves too.

[Lola]

I have nothing further to say on the matter, Mariana.

I find it very difficult, extremely difficult, to speak (write) about my experience, one reason being that I am a rather private sort of person, another being that it was a true nightmare. So, when in my post, I opened a small window to relate something about that experience, my reaction to it, well I was rather taken aback by what I know full well is no "misunderstanding". The NPD was a master at distorting words, at twisting everything backwards, at "gaslighting".
I do not wish to experience that again.

Best wishes, and also, I do hope your mother makes a good recovery and I am sure this is an anxious and stressful time for you, Mariana.

Mariana said:

I was just reading all this, and in all honesty, I got completely lost.

Maybe because my English is not that good... not sure. Anyway, I perceive there is some misunderstanding. You can both post your views and feelings about this here or via private messaging. I don't have a problem with that. Actually, I don't have any problem at all with people solving their misunderstandings, I love when we can all solve our differences.

I just posted a new discussion, not much of a discussion, but more of a post on how I feel about all this.

I respect your right to express your feelings and I said in my post, do so openly and honestly. I personally believe it's the safest road to avoid future misunderstandings.

Sometimes we need some relaity checks to see if other people are misunderstanding us or if we are misundertstanding others.

All I ask is for members not to disrespect each other. When we disrespect others we disrespect ourselves too.

[Administrator]

Thanks for the wishes, Lola. I have some road to travel with my mom still.

I see our point. I am not sure still if there "wasn't" a misunderstanding, but I do undertsand that you felt hurt. Our life experiences are very valuable to us. They mean a lot. I'm sorry you felt hurt about the comments posted here. Sometimes we need to put some distance. I too wish you the best, always.

You deserve it, as well as we all deserve an emotionally healthy life.