Codependency-Signs

[Crystal]

Where Do You End and I Begin?
Source: http://www.here-to-listen.com/codependency-signs.html

Sometimes the codependency-signs can be subtle. The joke goes something like this, "When her husband sneezes, the codependent says 'excuse me'". The codependent ia a person who always seems to have her/his antenna up trying to figure out what everybody else is feeling and thinking.

The codependent has great difficulty identifying the emotional line that exists between two people. One of the codependency-signs is that if you ask a codependent what she wants, she simply has no idea. The codependent is way too busy trying to figure out what somebody else wants. Underneath the caretaker role, individuals with codependency are some of the angriest people you will ever meet. Why? Because they are trying to get somebody else to change.

The term "codependency" emerged from the Alcohol Treatment literature to describe a person who is in a relationship with the alcoholic, and is co-dependent with the alcoholic. In that context, the codependency-signs are a person who counts drinks, makes excuses, and is hypervigilent of the alcoholic's moods in an attempt to gain some control over something they have no control over....the alcoholic's drinking.

In the last 5-10 years, the term "codependent" has generalized to mean any person who focuses on another person in order to gain some kind of control. For example, the codependent who lives with a violent man watches him to assess his moods, walks on eggshells to keep upsetting things away from him, watches what she says so he won't get mad, etc.

A codependent boyfriend might keep his needs to himself. He doesn't voice an opinion until he sees what his girlfriend believes, so he won't come into conflict with her.

Codependents are caretakers, but they are often frustrated caretakers. They get their sense of worth from others doing what the codependent thinks they should do.

Codependents are all about control. Remember, the "helper" is always in the power position. It's hard for a codependent to hear that their "help" and concern is really a way to control people. Helping the codependent explore the codependency-signs and the need for control is essential in breaking the pattern of codependency.

Codependents come by their behavior honestly...they usually come from a background where things were out of control. Maybe they grew up in an alcoholic family, or in a family where parents were angry and fighting all the time, or they were victims of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, or violence. Or they were harshly criticized or ridiculed and made to feel small.

There are reasons why codependents need to feel safe. Codependency starts out as a self-protection. As children, perhaps the only defense they had against abuse was keeping an eye out for trouble, becoming invisable, or becoming the "little helper".

In the safe environment of therapy, codependents can realize that their self protective behavior is no longer needed. They realize that their value doesn't come from doing; that they have value just for being.