A Families Quandary ~ Our Sociopath, Narcissist 83 years old Mother may be near to her death.

[Amy]

What is the quandary you ask?
Well I would have to say that a half of a century of emotional abuse and neglect can alter your thoughts and feeling on how you react in certain situations. If our mother was a loving human being who nurtured us and respected us and made us feel loved and cared about, it would be a normal reaction to want to be with her for her final days with us. However after years of being emotionally abused and attacked by her at every chance, the thought is to not bother, and not go to the funeral either but to just be done with it, and know that she can’t hurt us anymore.
So is it right to feel that way? Is it ok to say no I am not going to go? Should we go to support each other as siblings, or should we say we are the better person here and go simply because she gave birth to us?
She is over 600 miles away she has always moved as far away as she could at least she is only half the distance she was a month ago. But she was just here in my home sleeping in my bed just a few weeks ago. She was here for a whole two nights when she was suppose to be coming to be closer to family. Three days is all she could take before she had to put distance again between us. In those three days she did not have any conversation with me. She did not anymore want to connect with me than before. She did not even ask to see my children or granddaughter or to talk to them on the phone. All I heard before she came was how much she missed me and wanted to see me until she got here and then was ready to leave the moment she set foot in the door. She never called on birthdays or holidays. She never sent a card or gift to the kids or grand kids.
Now she is 600 miles away and in the hospital and might not be around much longer. So I ask what is the right thing to do? Do I take money that would help those near and dear to me to spend on going 600 miles away? It would not even be a question in my mind if she had been a women of morals and conscience and who truly cared about us. So what do I do? I need to really think about that before the time comes. My siblings are all in different states and all in similar situations all with varying degrees and differences but similar none the same.
I welcome your thoughts on the subject. Thank you!

[Lola]

Amy:

You said: "It would not even be a question in my mind if she had been a women of morals and conscience and who truly cared about us."
That is the heart of the matter. You well know that the personality disordered are UNABLE, literally, to be caring people. It is rather like asking a one-legged crippled person to run a marathon. It cannot be done. Once you get your head around that idea, I think it simplifies matters. Had she been a normal woman, (i.e. non-disordered) she would have been loving and caring. You cannot expect normal behaviour from a person with a personality disorder. They are extremely unhappy people, with an ingrained inability to be otherwise.

As regards your mother's future demise, you must decide what is going to make you feel best yourself.

All the best
Lola

[Amy]

Thank you very much JuanJose for posting this. I will share this with my siblings as well. It seems she is getting better now since she has been in the hospital so I think she will be here awhile longer but we know the day will not be too far off in the future. Bless you ~ amy

[JuanJosé]

Sorry to hear about this problem. Sometimes, we need to let go and move on. We cannot solve all our problems, especially when they do not depend on us.

I found this on the net and wanted to post it here.

Letting go of your past – whether it's quitting an addictive relationship or grieving a death – can be one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Even if it was a painful relationship and you had to let go of your past for your own sanity, you still may struggle with saying good-bye.

It's not easy, but there are practical ways to let go of your past and move on. Before you delve into letting go and saying good-bye to your past, however, you may need to face your memories and experiences. If you're dealing with your mistakes, you'll certainly have to accept responsibility for your actions.

Six Steps to Letting Go of Your Past:
Write, talk, draw, paint, or otherwise tap into your thoughts and memories. Letting go of your past means honoring your memories.
Let go of the emotions and feelings of painful memories by letting them wash over you – you'll feel horrible during, but relieved and peaceful afterwards. Let go of your past by reliving it.
Go back and talk to the people involved, if possible. Letting go of your past can mean going back.
Share your real feelings; confess if it's appropriate. Letting go of your past means expressing your emotions. If you have to deal with your mistakes, then own up to your shame or guilt.
Apologize and ask forgiveness if you need to. Letting go of your past means being vulnerable.
Get help with uncontrollable urges to overeat, get stoned or drunk, or otherwise hurt yourself. Letting go of your past means burying your pride.
Letting go of loved ones – whether it's a divorced spouse, dead child, estranged brother, or euthanized pet – is difficult to do. Letting go of your past requires effort and energy, but your own strength and courage will kick in. You'll not only survive, you'll be wiser, more peaceful, and more centered than before if you learn to let go of your past.

What is letting go of your past?
Letting go of your past means accepting that there's nothing you can do to change the past. You did the best you could. When you're facing your failures, know that you were as good, loving, and effective as you could have been. If you were to go back, you couldn't do anything differently because that's who you were and that's what you knew then. It's done. Let go of your past.

Letting go of your past means forgiving yourself for your mistakes. Ruminating on what you could've or should've done is ineffective and unhealthy. If you're dealing with your mistakes or facing your failures, try to forgive yourself.

Letting go of your past means being aware of your thoughts. When you find yourself dwelling or obsessing over the past or the person you lost, gently draw your thoughts back to the present. Let go of your obsession, whether it's an addictive relationship or lost child.

Letting go of your past means trusting the nature of time. You will heal and move on. Your wound will slowly close up and soon only a faint scar will remain - if you let go of your past.

Letting go of your past means making new connections with people. You don't necessarily have to make a whole new set of friends; you can initiate a new type of friendship with a colleague or invite a neighbor over for coffee. If you talk about facing your failures, you'll be better able to actually face your failures.

Letting go of your past means seeking balance in your conversations. It's important to vent and share your pain and sadness, and it's equally important to show your interest in other people's lives. Letting go of your past means letting go of yourself.

Letting go of your past means exploring a new world. Take a new course at the community college or start a new hobby. To let go of the past, start looking in new directions!

Letting go of your past means volunteering your time. There are hundreds of interesting opportunities that will help you say good-bye to the past. Visit a volunteer website or centre in your city. Move out of your comfort zone: if you're a mom and wife, try building a Habitat for Humanity home or spending time with seniors.

When you're letting go of an ex-partner, you should seriously consider whether it's wise to spend time together -- or if you should let go altogether. Maybe you're still in love, or were abused, and have confused thoughts and feelings. Taking a break may be the wisest course of action -- and so might be totally letting go
Taken from: http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/letting_go