Fight or Flight

[Mariana]

Some time ago, I read a book called "Getting to Yes" by Fisher, Ury, and Patton. It's basically a book on negotiation techniques used for business purposes, but it helped me a lot in my personal life.

I am a firm believer of the things I stand for. Hence, I tend to defend my views till the bitter end. My approach to solving problems was rather fight than flight. On top of it, when I was born (November the 20th, 1962), my mom asked an "astrologist" to draw my birth chart and they found that I happened to be born with "Mars upside-down" go figure what that meant ... But, being Mars the god of war, it did make some funny sense that I always got involved in arguments with others.

Now, jokes aside, thanks to therapy and my desire not to become a bully or a pain in the neck, I learned to "grow a thick skin and let it roll"... sort of the "flight" approach to solving problems. But, deep inside, I still had this feeling I "had to" speak up and let the world why I thought I was "right" and the rest of mankind was "wrong".

It was only when I read this little book that I actually got to understand that one of the very basic obstacles that prevents people from solving problems is the fact that we tend to defend our position instead of focus on the issue at hand itself.

There is a third option between fight and flight that is called "let's negotiate" or bargain, etc.

There's nothing wrong in standing for what we believe in, but we need to be aware about a few things at the same time, such as:

- Cultural differences: My personal hot-blooded latin style did not fit well in the anglosaxon world. So, I had to tone down my speech if I didn't want to scare people off their pants, for instance.

- Empaty: Some people might be more sensitive than others to the way we express our views. Are we offending or hurting someone, even if it's not our intention to do so?

- Respect and limitations: Our rights sure end right there where other people's rights start. We can hold our views and respect the fact that others might have different views.

- Agree to disagree: This was honestly new to me, when I was young. I never actually saw things from this point of view, either I agreed or disagreed, and when I disagreed, I did it strongly. Agreeing to disagree has helped me live with less stress, as well as respect other people's views.

Now, in all honesty, this might come naturally to some people, but in my case, it takes a look of effort to put it into practice. So far, I have succeded in most cases, but you really don't want to see my reaction when people try to talk me into The Secret-The Law of Attraction thing.... Do you remember the Incredible Hulk? Picture myself green.

There are things in our life that act as triggers and it's important that we become aware of them so that we can have a much better control of our reactions and replies.

One of the things that get on my nerves easily, for instance, is when some people create some kind of a wishful thinking product and launch it to the market, knowing they will make millions at the expense of other people's needs. But then again, there's always a "derriere for every seat", and there's seems to be a whole market out there, willing to buy that kind of products right away.

So, now I just take a deep breath and do my best, so things like that don't get on my nerves that easy. Originally, my first reaction was to tell people how silly they were to buy into that nonsense, but in the end, who am I to tell others what to believe in or what to think?

People have the right to choose what they want to believe in. We have the freedom (in most cultures, not all of them) to choose the way we want to approach life, the line of thought we feel more comfortable with, etc.

For me, it's been hard to learn to respect other people's views, I used to behave like a real bully. Not because I wanted to hurt others, just because I actually wanted to "help" them see things the "right way" - meaning "my way" (totally biased!).

I am doing a lot better now ;-)

[Mariana]

I understand that, Lola. I once asked my garndfather, who was born in Italy, why he was always "shouting" and he explained to me he was not shouting at all, he just spoke in a loud voice.

Everyone in my mother's family (including my mother) speak in such a loud voice that they see to be yelling or shouting, which is something that really gets on my nerves, but they are actually speaking "normally" according to their own standards, so I can relate who cultural differences play a role in our daily interactions.

I had a very hard time the other day trying to get my mother put her pijamas on at the hospital. She needed a catheterism and refused to stay in the hospital, so if she normally shouts when she "speaks", can you imagine her angry, yelling at the whole hospital staff and threatening to leave?

This is not my week, definitely.

[Lola]

Enjoyed reading that Mariana. Actually the book I like, indeed the only one I have on such topics, is Deepak Chopra's "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" where he precisely sets out, in a very understandable fashion, that it is best to "detach".
A very good friend of mine, a psychiatrist, put the same idea, just in different words: "Don't futurise". We can't see the future, we can't tell the future, and we certainly cannot control or maniuplate the future". If we could, we would be magicians LOL.

I am Irish (born in Dublin), and we Irish have a lot in common with the Latin people, in temperament and our outlook on life.
One thing: we Irish LOVE to debate just for the sake of it. Conversation and debate is a sort of national past-time. It is NOT because we want to impose a viewpoint on others, it is just the fun of the argument, and also a lot of interesting stuff comes up in such debates.

Lola

[Mariana]

Yes, Psus, in the pursuit of doing the right thing, we tend to forget how imperfect we, humans, are :)

Ideally, we would be as honest as we could and avoid self-deception, but then there is our unconscious or subconscious part that reminds us we don't have 100% control of every single thought of our minds all the time.

I usually pay attention to my dreams, not because I think they are premonitory, but because they usual disclose to us things that belong to our unconscious part of the mind.

We live and we learn.

[pjay]

wonderful post ! (i notice you are a person of many colors, or rather, a very colorful person. lol)

it seems to me these aren't things that we learn once & that's it, but the very things we continue to learn over & over(& over).

you last sentence on bias, reminded me of something that i just recently read.

"People realize that humans deceive themselves, of course, but they don't seem to realize that they too are human." -Dan Gilbert, prof of psych.@Harvard. published 4/16/06 in the New York Times.
article titled 'I'm O.K., you're Biased !'