FOCUS

[Mariana]

What do we focus on?

If we keep focusing on the abuser, then we leave little time and energy to focus on ourselves as victims of abuse.

Abusers know exactly what to say to make the victim feel responsible for something they are not. They aim to confuse people so they can keep control of the victim and the whole situation.

If we focus on them, we might fall in this place where we will spend our entire lives speaking about the abuser, which is exactly what abusers want. We are empowering them in some way. We are enabling them in some way. "We are".

Hence, "We" can choose to focus on ourselves and our healing process.

Please, let's not forget that a victim is not important for an abuser. The abuser does not care about the damage he/she causes to the victim. Abusers simply don't feel any empathy at all towards the victim. And it is very clear to me that abusers will not help victims heal from abuse, will not help victims overcome abuse, will not help victims leave an abusive relationship, etc.

So, victims usually feel very lonely, they feel like they are all by themselves in this kind of stiuations. The fact that there might be many other victims of abuse in this world may not be reassuring enough. Victims still feel they are alone.

So, as much as abuse hurts, as much unfair as it is, please focus on yourselves, don't buy what abusers tell you. Shake it off, change your attitude. I know it's really hard, I honestly do, but if we don't help ourselves, abusers just won't.

Focus on your needs, focus on your wellbeing, on what you need to do to change your own life. Give yourself time to honor your feelings and start changing, and slowly, let it go. Letting go does not mean "forgive" or "forget", it just means "change the focus of your life."

You are in charge of your life, not the abuser.

Don't let abusers take that from you. Don't give them your personal power. Don't it give it away to anyone.

It's yours. It's your life, you are the one suffering, you are the one who needs to regain confidence and rebuild your self-esteem.

Do you think for a minute the abuser will give you a hand to accomplish these tasks? Nope. The abuser will not do that.

So, start focusing on you. You deserve all your attention. The abuser does not.

[Lola]

That is such a wonderful post, Mariana. Such totally appropriate advice, so true in every word. The abuser does not give a damn about the unfortunate person being abused. The abused seem to find it very difficult to assume this very unpleasant truth. You can look into ANY internet site which deals with NPD/abuse, and every single post (all the time) is talking about the abuser, wondering about the abuser, what makes the abuser tick (!), and so on. No effort is being made to concentrate on the "self".

You say: "So, start focusing on you. You deserve all your attention. The abuser does not. " Exactly!

Best wishes
Lola